One Step – One Day – One Lifetime


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I have posted before on my controlling nature in a sort of way and I’m still learning that lesson every day. I battle with feeling insecure, unloved, not good enough etc etc etc etc…. You get the picture. I recently took a test on my strengths to find more insight into myself. This was a HUGE eye opener for me and at the very same time, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know about myself.

My top 5 strengths:

  1. Restorative
  2. Intellection
  3. Empathy
  4. Achiever
  5. Input

The first one, restorative, are people who are themed with being adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. What makes me different in this field is that I do it internally. I am constantly striving to improve myself in any way possible. I want people to tell me what my short falls are and I firmly believe that if I don’t handle those things, I will fail and jeopardize my future. I believe also that the achiever in me is just making this stand out that much more and the input portion (wanting to know everything i can get my hands on) also magnifies this to such a degree that it can be dangerous!

The down side I find is that when I am constantly critiquing myself, I open the door to feeling upset by not being enough. No one is doing that to me but myself. My new challenge is to find a way to critique myself without feeling as though I am a failure, no good, or in some way faltering.

So what does any of this have to do with controlling my life? EVERYTHING! Because I am always trying to make things better, this means that I am also trying to manage and manipulate every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to just sit back and let life happen. I can’t seem to understand that its OK that everything isn’t as peachy perfect as I want it to be. I can see the future. I can taste how awesome its going to be when I finally achieve all of my dreams yet I feel like I am seeing it while being stuck with my feet in quick sand as though I will never make it. Do you struggle with this?

quick sand

That analogy alone made me just realize that with quick sand if you struggle you will drown, however, if you take one slow methodical movement at a time, you will reach the end. Wow, God does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? It should be known that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a PATIENT PERSON!

I am struggling to find a way to fit my wanting to learn and better myself into finding a deep and meaningful relationship that gives me a break from the every day, as well as balancing that with my want to work to the death, and still be as present for my kids as much as they need. WHEW! That was a mouthful. Is that even possible?

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime

Life’s Mission and Getting There


I haven’t written anything in quite a while and I have been itching to do so. There is a lot in my life right now that at times seems in-congruent and at other times seems to be going ok. In the past several years it has been my running theme that I take a deep look at myself and what challenges I am having. I then figure out how I could have made those challenges less…..well…. challenging. Most of the time, I come back to myself. My actions, attitude, inaction, and self doubt, to name a few, all have an impact on whatever might be going on.

Quite some time ago I was listening to 12 Steps to Higher Self Esteem by Linda Larson. While doing so, I created my life mission statement. My mission statement doesn’t have to be shared, but I am sharing:

“The purpose of my life is to live intimately in-tune with my spirit, honoring my wisdom, seeking what is held in my heart with purpose, clarity and commitment. I vow to live each day with integrity and balance, compassionately assisting others using the best of my skills.”

I have fallen a bit away from this as a whole but I am pleased to say that I am still moving forward in my life. Now, the trick is to get back on track with living out my mission statement every day in my life. The other really positive quote I wrote down from this lesson is also important:

“Everything in my life I create, promote, allow or step in. If there is something in my life I no longer choose – I take full responsibility for changing it. I am in the drivers seat and I LOVE it.”

That is so much harder to follow. But it isn’t impossible. You have to take responsibility for everything happening in your life. I have realized that at times my lack of decision, was in fact, a decision. I refused to make a decision and therefore, the result is I allowed whatever could happen to happen. I promote things in my life that I don’t want or like by responding to the situation rather than ignoring it. I step into some situations completely unintentionally but it’s what I do once I find myself there. There are other situations that I create specifically because I wanted to or my actions led them to be created.

Knowing these two statements, fully understanding them and living by them has caused me to be able to move forward and begin to live a life that is truly meaningful to me. Don’t get me wrong, not everything is perfect. A lot of the negatives in my life are still around. But they aren’t impossible for me to remove them. I just have to try which is where the purpose, clarity and commitment in my mission statement come in to play.

Have you ever thought about your mission in life and whether or not you are setting yourself up to live the life that you want? Could you create a better life if you knew what your mission was? Are you taking full ownership of what is happening in your life and setting out to change what you don’t want?

Thoughts Become Things


I am in the midst of such a transformation that I had to write about it. I have some amazing conversations with people in my life that are unforgettable. Some of these conversations happen at such an awesome time that I fully understand, that I am never alone. I have come so far, and yet I have far to travel. I cannot express how open I feel at this moment and how truly blessed I am.

My life is certainly not what I ever thought it would be when I was a little girl. Moments of it are unforgettable and yet other moments I wish I could forget. I am grateful for every bit of it. I have truly realized that all of my relationships and connections in life are a lesson in my journey to being the self I was made to be.

I am sure you have heard the quote “Be yourself, everybody else is already taken.” I always saw that and thought, that’s cute. And never paid much attention to it. It is a very subdued way of saying what it is that I now feel.

When I think now about yoga and how i used to see it versus how I see it now, it amazes me. I thought of meditation as an act, something you do. It is that. However, I now feel the connection to being open, meditating and aligning with the greater being of the world. For me, that is God. For you, that might be the Universe, Mother Nature, or something else. When I think of meditation, I see the inner body being opened up to receiving what God has for me. The enlightenment, the filling of knowledge, power in knowing myself and feeling the connection. I cannot fully describe to anyone who has never experienced this, how awesome it truly is. Being self aware and connected.

I am aware of who I am, who I am becoming and where I want to be. My great friend today told me the universe always has my back, I just have to put out there what I want. How true that is. I am so grateful for the people in my life right now. Every one of them has something so positive to add. Every one of them are helping to teach me a lesson in being the person I strive to be and the person that I am underneath. Even if they don’t know it.

A year and a half ago I wrote out my values and what they meant to me. I now have something in my life that is resonating with those values. It took me a little bit to see it and it felt weird. Now I know that what I am feeling is the beginning of fulfillment of something I set out to create in my life. Everything in life starts as a thought.

Putting these connections together has me imagining and believing, opening up and understanding. This is AWESOME!

Awareness Tree

Nest Egg You Say?


Mirror Mirror on the wall show me who can be the richest of all! Its not that I want to be rich, I don’t. I just want to live comfortably without having to worry about a check bouncing or whether or not I can go see family for the weekend. In my bucket list, there is still that looming $10,000.00 savings. EEEEK!

Debt is the worst stress causer and best life sucker I know of. And believe me – I have enough of it to know. I’m sure you all can understand that statement. Its awful to pay money every month and have nothing to show for it. You know why you have nothing to show for it? Because you got “it” up front and now you are paying for whatever “it” was. Sometimes even at the rate of 3 times what it would have cost to save the money and purchase it outright.

I have plans, I want to buy a house, pay off my car, take vacations and the list goes on. (My bucket list that is!) I want to be able to afford this without worrying about it and I don’t want to die with $300,000.00 in DEBT! So, how can that all be fixed?

Dave Ramsey has the answer there! I have worked the DR plan before and know that it can work. What is it you say? Its using your money in a very smart way so you can live like you always dreamed. I am very excited to be working on this plan again. I can and will live debt free and I am going to start tracking what I am doing each day to maximize my budget. If you would all like to follow me on yet another side adventure of my main adventure – come along!

Update on the Bucket List


Hello all!

I haven’t blogged in a while and I am not going to make promises about how often I will be able to do it. I will however say that I am sorry if you have been disappointed with my lack of updates. I am handling a lot right now – aren’t we all?! – and sometimes it is just impossible to add another item to my day. I know you all have felt this from time to time if not more consistently.

Anyway, I am currently working on getting a bit better about accomplishing my goals. I started to take a look at my bucket list and realized that while I haven’t been consciously working on them, they are still being worked on! I am on my journey to buying my first home. I have actually given myself a 6 month deadline to do so – hopefully it will work out!

I realize that things in life don’t slow down unless you slow down. I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that just yet but I hope that one day I will be looking back and realizing that I have purposely slowed myself down and am enjoying the life I am living – on purpose!

Do you live a life on purpose or are you surviving your existence?

Life Lessons


My journey here on earth is continually getting more interesting and complex. There are so many people out there handing out advice at every turn on any given subject. How do you really know what to pay attention to? I can’t answer that question for you. i just learned how to answer that question for myself.

I do quite a bit of soul searching on a regular basis. I am usually not quite sure if a situation is my fault, if I caused it, if I could have foreseen it or if I made it worse. I want to be sure I am being the best “me” that I can be. At times I have even made the comment of this being a quality of mine “to a fault”. Do I take it too far? Am I so wrapped up in making sure that I always adjust myself to everyone else and make sure that  i am learning a lesson, that I actually miss the bigger picture?

I have realized, and need to continually remind myself, that I am not always in the wrong, nor do I always need to adjust myself to fit something or someone else. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am wrong quite a bit. I do things that I shouldn’t, I say things that I shouldn’t, but where does that make me any different than anyone else? It doesn’t! What does set me apart is that I am willing to search myself, to change, to adjust and to grow.

There are always people out there that will ridicule me. They won’t understand me or my situation and they may take something for what it isn’t. That isn’t my fault nor can I change that. A good friend recently gave me a bit of advice “put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is that you are rejected but the best that can happen is that you are accepted. Either way, at the end of it all, you know you were true to yourself.”

I have realized that that small piece of advice was a seed. It has now grown roots and taken its spot in my soul with all the other seeds of its kind. Self Truth. I am being true to me. That in and of itself means that I am being the best “me” that I can. I am not perfect. I will wait too long to have that difficult conversation, I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I will overlook something of importance and I will make mistakes. All of that is being human. So, at the end of the day, I am satisfied that I am the best Maria that I can be.

I often wonder, how many other people out there, search their souls to be sure they are living rather than existing?

Namaste


The other day when I was reading over my blog and looking at the bucket list I created, I realized I had completed some of my bucket list items. One of those was trying yoga for 3 months. I am not really sure where the 3 months came from but either way – I did it!

When I moved back to Florida I joined an 8 week beginner course. I have a very dear friend that attended this course quite some time ago and it seemed like a good place to start. I was not always great about going. In fact, I think I missed 2 of the 8 weeks. I still gained a lot from the time I was there. I then took a few weeks off, and joined another session on posture. I missed time from that one too. Sad, but true.

Now I can say that I have tried yoga. So? What is the point of trying something if you don’t know what you gained?

I know what I gained. Yoga is amazing and I wish I was just a bit more disciplined in life right now to maintain it. The classes I attended all centered on being the core of who you are and using your body in the proper ways. So many people say “oh yoga, you mean western stretching?” It is not just stretching! You do stretch, you do exercises – not for weight loss – but you challenge your body.

What’s more is that you challenge your mind and spirit and connect to yourself, and others, in a way that feels so right that it is indescribable. Yoga is practiced to center your mind and body, align your chakra’s (of which there are 7 i believe), and the ultimate goal is the meditation. (For the life of me I can not think of the word used in class but I like it better than “meditation”).

From my short but wonderful experience in yoga, I learned quite a bit. There is a different way to listen to your body. There is a way to truly release all of the stress and tension that can build upon you in your day to day life. Yoga for me, taught me that there is peace to be had for those who want it and are willing to take it. Yoga doesn’t take much time, any money really, only dedication.

This is the meaning of Namaste as taught to me in class

I honor the place in you in which the entire universe resides. I honor the place in you, which is Love, Truth, Light and Peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, WE ARE ONE.

Namaste everyone.

This Thing Called Life


I can hardly contain the feeling I have right now; so much excitement at being awakened to the core. This feeling is unreal and one that I never would have thought to experienced by having someone listen, understand, confirm and hear everything I was saying. All of that while also initiating a new drive for loving life and living to my heart’s content; being shown the possibilities of all that there can be. I have new dreams, imagining the reality that can become mine with some hard work and efforts on my part and a great deal of want and striving to make it my own.

I have come so far in my journey to finding who I am. I know what I absolutely don’t want; what I won’t stand for. I know what would be a great match for me in a partner and I know how I want to feel. I don’t yet know how I will make it all happen but isn’t that part of the process in and of itself? Life is a journey that we partake in, connecting with other humans on wavelengths never thought of before.

I know some people who would talk like this and I would think “gee! Give me what you are on!!” It is truly so much more than that. I have realized that it is possible to have this type of life. Yesterday, like so many days before it, have been a confirmation of this feeling. I suddenly feel unchained.

I am deciding to set out on this journey to truly experience life in all its moments and savor the time I create with my family. I want to see what seems to be impossible. I want to feed this feeling I have now so it never goes away. I want to be ALIVE!

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I’ve Missed Me!


I have missed writing for the last few months. Who am I kidding? Its been 6 months since I last posted!

It has been 1 year since I have started this blog and so much has happened and changed in my life both personally and professionally. I had to put the blog down for awhile to handle more important things but I am at a point now where I can concentrate on this again.

I am planning to post quite a bit in the coming days about the first year of my 30’s; celebrating my 31st birthday – all the woes and grins that came with it; and oddly enough – my bucket list items! I was looking through my bucket list and realized that I have actually – unknowingly – completed some of the items on there! GO ME!

I am not going to promise anyone who reads this anything great. I want to reiterate that I write for me. I like writing and I like having an outlet. NO, this is not self centered either. This blog is about learning how to grow as a person. Anyone can benefit from that and, I honestly believe, no one can do it on their own.

So, here is to kicking off a new year of being 30 and living life to the fullest and loving my family more than ever!

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Choices Today, Fate Tomorrow


I have really been reflecting lately on choices that I have made. As I quite frequently tell my children:

Every choice has a consequence, good or bad. It’s your responsibility to accept the consequences because of your choices.

Wordsmith the sentence all you want – it is, always has been, and will continue to be true. Its also a really hard pill to swallow sometimes.

I have recently been faced with very hard choices. It seems right now that for me, I am at a major turning point in my life. Everything I have been faced with in the past week is going to directly affect my short term goals. The effect will also be immediate. It’s not just one choice, its multiple. Some of my past choices even seem to be hindering the issues that I am currently faced with.

I am sure that everyone has made choices in their life that they would rather not remember. I am a fan of saying, I wouldn’t change it because it led me to where I am. I still believe that is true. Every choice I have made or that was made for me, has led me to be the person I am today. No matter how good or bad that might be. I have developed some really awful traits, I have also grown, evolved in my adulthood, gained understanding and awareness and learned to see broader pictures.

I wouldn’t change any of it. However, all of the choices don’t go away. You don’t get to reinvent yourself all the time. Sometimes we have new beginnings that let us shed some things that we haven’t liked. More often than not, for me, I am still surrounded by the same people that I was when I made choices that were not handled well. Those people still see me for the person I was then, not who I have grown to be now. That is one of the hardest things for me to handle.

Because of the havoc being caused by this situation of having 3 major decisions – life changing decisions – to make all at once (and they all impacted each other) I started looking for help. I found some great articles online that all gave good advice. The ultimate answer – I am in decision overload. I have had a very difficult week, I have hemmed and hawed over things that I may not even be able to decide. I am deciding to stop making the decision.

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I wrote the above post – left un-posted – on November 1st. Today, a month later, I have made the decisions. They are life changing and affect so many people. While the choices I faced were hard to make, I am so grateful for the opportunities they have provided to me.

Enough with the cryptic language already! I have made the choice to move my family back to Florida for my job. This is an opportunity for myself and my family that I feel was too important to pass up. Unfortunately, granny and poppy live here now and can’t come with us. By making this choice, we are ultimately making them relive a very difficult time because we made the choice 4 years ago to the date to move to WV when they were in Florida. They have only lived here by us for 18 months now. I can’t imagine how this has made them feel. I only hope for their love and acceptance in this decision.

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