The Next Moment


I am too fat. I am unlovable. I will never be…. I wouldn’t be here if…. This is all I can have. I will have to take what I can get. My stomach is too big to wear anything like that. If only I were a size  10 again. I can’t believe my arms have so much fat on them.

We all hear it, in our own head. We all think these things and then try to cover them up, hope its our imagination so no one will notice them. Insecurities. From deep within, attacking at the perfect moments. When you are trying to make a decision. When you need to trust yourself. On a first date. A day at the beach. Getting dressed for work. Interviewing for a job. Every day there are a million moments that can be an opportunity to strike.

I am worth it. I deserve it. I am more. I am beautiful. I am loving and kind. I am a generous person. I deserve more.

These affirmations are very different. They lift my spirit. Show me that in all of me there is good. I was created perfectly. As imperfect as I might think I am, this is who I was made to be. For someone with insecurities that run as high as mine and self doubt that is a swimming pool that seems so inviting at first. This has been an uphill battle for many years.

Tell YourselfThoughts become things. When I put that together with what am I saying about myself. Hearing the evil villain in my head trying to get me to believe those words, I realized that I was only becoming the thought that was being repeated. I can change this! I can live a beautiful life. I just have to believe it. How do I do that? I change the words in my head. Its not easy and quite honestly it takes a TON of effort. I believe I can change my thoughts. When you first become aware, you can then accept the truth. When you accept the truth and reality then you can start to understand how to change it. And I believe in myself so much that I know I am more than the ugly villain in my head. That guy needs to shut up!

This has led me to take the first step. Yeah you though all that was the first step huh? It wasn’t. The first step was to take action on my beliefs. To prove to myself that this is real and I am capable. The opportunity appeared for me to stand up for what I want. To say that I want more in life and there is nothing wrong with that. To give someone a chance to meet my needs in a way that I wanted and needed, and to stop being ignored.

permission-to-let-goThat in and of itself was a huge step. The next step was me sticking to me. Maintaining that there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for and if this person wasn’t willing to give themselves the opportunity to meet my needs as I met theirs, then there was nothing more for me to do. I refuse to beat down a wall for someone again. It takes a lot of energy. I did it for two people in the past and the most recent one was myself. That is how I learned.

It is not possible to give yourself to someone on an emotionally intimate level when you wont let them in. That is being emotionally unavailable. No one can break your wall that you have built to ensure your safety from the world. The blocks around your most intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions. When you let someone behind that wall  you are vulnerable. It will give them the ability to damage you to the core. So you have to trust that the person you let in loves you so much that it would break them to take advantage of your vulnerability. This person did not trust me and chose their wall.

Expectations are unrealized disappointments. I was continuing to allow myself to be disappointed in not receiving what I desired. I kept thinking that if I was enough, did enough, showed enough, opened myself enough, it would happen. That’s when I realized the real statement here. If I was enough, there wouldn’t be a wall. That wall isn’t my fault and it isn’t my job to get rid of it. Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is something I have learned only leads to pain from my own expectations.

Empty CupI am more. I am worth being loved. My needs are important. Intimacy is not being weak. Loving is OK. Wanting to be loved is OK. I am a good woman. I deserve. I am worth it. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong. I am a good person. I am worth knowing.

It doesn’t matter that its not accepted by someone else. That just means that I can stop disappointing myself now. I am giving myself permission to be loved and receive the desires of my heart. Most of all I am giving myself permission to ask for what I want. I am giving myself permission to meet my own needs.

#Iamworthit. 

Wonderful

The Upswing of Rock Bottom


rockbottomHave you ever had that realization that you must have hit the true rock bottom, the all time low for your life as you know it? The moment where you realize that if this path continues, you will cease existence as you know it? I think at one time or another we all find ourselves in a situation much like that. I believe that a true “rock bottom” can look different for different people. Mine was not what I expected. Life took a very drastic turn for me and I was barely holding on. It has been a true life-changing, utterly altering, shockingly amazing journey that I have been walking.

My life has always had its ups and downs, whose doesn’t? I never thought that what happened to me would happen. That sounds so cliche. Every time I hear someone utter those words, I think, “but life happens to us all, what makes you think you are excluded?” I never realized until this past September, what it really meant. When someone says that they didn’t think the experience or situation would happen to them, they were truly blind to the reality that the possibility existed and was lying so close to them that it was waiting to strike. In September I was blind.

I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. I said to my mother “I tried so hard to make sure this didn’t happen…” What I didn’t realize until a bit later was that by trying to ensure these events didn’t happen, the ones that shook me to the core of my being and punched a hole so wide that I didn’t think it would heal but fully thought it would be the end, I actually had a hand in making it all come true.

It takes a lot to look at your life and the events surrounding you, the turmoil, shame, hurt, sorrow, pain, all of it, that it will either make or break you. I chose that I would not let this end me. I vowed that I would survive and I would be better for it. I would learn from this.

Had it not been for a very important person in my life giving me a virtual smack and a sudden wake up call that I was sliding fast toward a life that wasn’t worth living, that I realized I had to make some changes. Time to put the big girl pants on and quit wallowing in the hurt and pain and start making something out of it. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

God Rock

I started the journey toward self healing and self helping. Struggling to grip back on to everything in my life that I had worked so hard to build. I knew that I didn’t want to lose those things for good. I had to make a choice, I had to decide that I was worth it and the people I loved were worth it too.

Its not easy and I believe that it will be an ever changing, continuously rolling tide that will only grow with each sunrise and sunset. But I am looking forward to how beautiful those sunrises and sunsets will be each day, each moment, shining a God given grace, love and mercy on me, lighting up the path that awaits my next steps on a journey that I am proud to be walking.

I will forever be sad that it took my rock bottom for me to wake up. I can not change anything that has happened. I can only look to the future that will be waiting for my next moment.

Rock-bottom1

 

 

Goal Overboard!


We all know by now that I am setting out to change my life and the life of my children. I want to change my family tree – as Dave Ramsey says. And I am sure that I am going to do just that! On this journey of mine I am learning new resources and new ways to view things. My current resource is one of Dave Ramsey’s books – How to Have More Than Enough. (I bought it for $10.00 in his May sale!!)

Anywhoodles – I have been working and reworking every chapter of this book – and I’m on chapter 3….. 🙂 I am sure I will write about this book and my journey through it over time. Chapter 2 was definitely a doozie having to choose parenting values and statements. That was not easy but I know all the work I am doing will be worth it in time. Here is something I created to hang on my family living room wall so we can have it in front of us always.

Capture

So, what inspired this post? Well now on Chapter 3 and the work I am doing here is about my future, my dreams, my goals and what life I want to create. I love creating my own life! The possibilities truly are unlimited. I don’t know how many times I heard that growing up and thinking, “yeah, ok” but not ever really understanding it. The excitement I feel in saying the statement “I am creating my own life” is immeasurable and un-explainable to anyone who has not held those words in their mouth and more importantly, in their heart.

But goals oh goals, I have so many of you. Which will I choose to be the end product? Which ones will come to fruition and actually be something I sit on my porch at 80 and laugh about? I do dare to dream and I do dare to wonder and I WILL dare to accomplish them.

As I was pondering on them I realized that I needed paper and pen – or a word document on the computer and so I started writing. Then I realized that Dave was right, I was going to have to define these goals hardcore. So I started writing more. Then I realized that he was right again! Darn IT! I was going to have to prioritize these goals. So….. Here is a glimpse of what the start of this is looking like for me:

Goals:

  1. Be debt free
    1. How much has to be paid off?
    2. How much money each month can be put toward the goal?
    3. How long will this take?
  2. Have a fully funded savings account
    1. How much money do I need to live on each month?
    2. How much money can I save each month?
    3. How much money will I need total in the savings account?
    4. How many months of expenses will this cover?
  3. Purchase my own home in cash
    1. How much home do I want to purchase?
    2. Where do I want to purchase?
    3. What does the home have?
    4. Will I renovate?
    5. Once I’m debt free how much money per month can be saved?
    6. How long will it take to purchase the home?
  4. Complete my bucket list by June 21st 2023 (day before I turn 40)
  5. Own rental properties with a cash flow of $5000.00 per month
  6. Own a ranch with 2 horses and a barn
    1. Will this be a 2nd home or my retirement home?
    2. What kind of horses and how much will they cost?
    3. Do I want to build all myself or find something that fits my needs?
    4. What is my budget for this?
  7. Retire by age 55
    1. How much income will I need to live on?
    2. How much will I need to have in savings?
    3. What do I plan on doing in retirement?
    4. Will that take more money that needs to be planned on?
  8. Become a certified coach
  9. Own a business out of my home earning $2500.00 per month
  10. Start a non-profit organization assisting young parents to achieve their dreams

I know, some of those sure are lofty goals right? Well, taking them all one step at a time will ensure that I am able to complete what is important to me and they will get done as God is willing. So, when I got down to number 4, I realized I might need to print out my bucket list again and put it back in front of my face. I had been feeling like I hadn’t done much in these first 2 years – yeah I know – 2 WHOLE years! but then I realized that I had. I have completed 6 of them, and 2 more of them are in progress so I would say that’s a pretty darn good start.

Looking at my list I realized some of these bucket list items will take a lot of money, or time off work/away from kids etc. That is not something I am going to have the luxury of doing while getting out of debt so I guess that means I need to prioritize them too. Good gravy! Well, I did. I have chosen 5 bucket list items to complete between now and my 33rd birthday in 2016. Those items are – drum-roll please-

  • Zip Lining
  • Helicopter Ride
  • Riding a Train
  • Run a 10K
  • Feel Comfortable in a Bikini on the Beach!

YAY!! I have a direction! *Sigh* The freedom in knowing where you want to go and that you have chosen to go there on purpose is such a relieving feeling. May you one day know this feeling that is filling me like a hot air balloon about to go for a ride. I am such a driven and achievement oriented person – please see earlier post 🙂 – that I am having a hard time holding myself back from running without hurting myself! I know that all good things come in time. And all things worth having are worth waiting for. And nothing comes easy. Hard work pays off. And all the other one liner statements about how it is that I am going to have to get there. I have one sentence for all of that:

PATIENCE IS NOT IN MY LIST OF GOD GIVEN VIRTUES! 

*SIGH* I know, I know, all in due time.

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime


strengths-finder-628x3351

I have posted before on my controlling nature in a sort of way and I’m still learning that lesson every day. I battle with feeling insecure, unloved, not good enough etc etc etc etc…. You get the picture. I recently took a test on my strengths to find more insight into myself. This was a HUGE eye opener for me and at the very same time, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know about myself.

My top 5 strengths:

  1. Restorative
  2. Intellection
  3. Empathy
  4. Achiever
  5. Input

The first one, restorative, are people who are themed with being adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. What makes me different in this field is that I do it internally. I am constantly striving to improve myself in any way possible. I want people to tell me what my short falls are and I firmly believe that if I don’t handle those things, I will fail and jeopardize my future. I believe also that the achiever in me is just making this stand out that much more and the input portion (wanting to know everything i can get my hands on) also magnifies this to such a degree that it can be dangerous!

The down side I find is that when I am constantly critiquing myself, I open the door to feeling upset by not being enough. No one is doing that to me but myself. My new challenge is to find a way to critique myself without feeling as though I am a failure, no good, or in some way faltering.

So what does any of this have to do with controlling my life? EVERYTHING! Because I am always trying to make things better, this means that I am also trying to manage and manipulate every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to just sit back and let life happen. I can’t seem to understand that its OK that everything isn’t as peachy perfect as I want it to be. I can see the future. I can taste how awesome its going to be when I finally achieve all of my dreams yet I feel like I am seeing it while being stuck with my feet in quick sand as though I will never make it. Do you struggle with this?

quick sand

That analogy alone made me just realize that with quick sand if you struggle you will drown, however, if you take one slow methodical movement at a time, you will reach the end. Wow, God does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? It should be known that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a PATIENT PERSON!

I am struggling to find a way to fit my wanting to learn and better myself into finding a deep and meaningful relationship that gives me a break from the every day, as well as balancing that with my want to work to the death, and still be as present for my kids as much as they need. WHEW! That was a mouthful. Is that even possible?

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime

Life’s Mission and Getting There


I haven’t written anything in quite a while and I have been itching to do so. There is a lot in my life right now that at times seems in-congruent and at other times seems to be going ok. In the past several years it has been my running theme that I take a deep look at myself and what challenges I am having. I then figure out how I could have made those challenges less…..well…. challenging. Most of the time, I come back to myself. My actions, attitude, inaction, and self doubt, to name a few, all have an impact on whatever might be going on.

Quite some time ago I was listening to 12 Steps to Higher Self Esteem by Linda Larson. While doing so, I created my life mission statement. My mission statement doesn’t have to be shared, but I am sharing:

“The purpose of my life is to live intimately in-tune with my spirit, honoring my wisdom, seeking what is held in my heart with purpose, clarity and commitment. I vow to live each day with integrity and balance, compassionately assisting others using the best of my skills.”

I have fallen a bit away from this as a whole but I am pleased to say that I am still moving forward in my life. Now, the trick is to get back on track with living out my mission statement every day in my life. The other really positive quote I wrote down from this lesson is also important:

“Everything in my life I create, promote, allow or step in. If there is something in my life I no longer choose – I take full responsibility for changing it. I am in the drivers seat and I LOVE it.”

That is so much harder to follow. But it isn’t impossible. You have to take responsibility for everything happening in your life. I have realized that at times my lack of decision, was in fact, a decision. I refused to make a decision and therefore, the result is I allowed whatever could happen to happen. I promote things in my life that I don’t want or like by responding to the situation rather than ignoring it. I step into some situations completely unintentionally but it’s what I do once I find myself there. There are other situations that I create specifically because I wanted to or my actions led them to be created.

Knowing these two statements, fully understanding them and living by them has caused me to be able to move forward and begin to live a life that is truly meaningful to me. Don’t get me wrong, not everything is perfect. A lot of the negatives in my life are still around. But they aren’t impossible for me to remove them. I just have to try which is where the purpose, clarity and commitment in my mission statement come in to play.

Have you ever thought about your mission in life and whether or not you are setting yourself up to live the life that you want? Could you create a better life if you knew what your mission was? Are you taking full ownership of what is happening in your life and setting out to change what you don’t want?

Thoughts Become Things


I am in the midst of such a transformation that I had to write about it. I have some amazing conversations with people in my life that are unforgettable. Some of these conversations happen at such an awesome time that I fully understand, that I am never alone. I have come so far, and yet I have far to travel. I cannot express how open I feel at this moment and how truly blessed I am.

My life is certainly not what I ever thought it would be when I was a little girl. Moments of it are unforgettable and yet other moments I wish I could forget. I am grateful for every bit of it. I have truly realized that all of my relationships and connections in life are a lesson in my journey to being the self I was made to be.

I am sure you have heard the quote “Be yourself, everybody else is already taken.” I always saw that and thought, that’s cute. And never paid much attention to it. It is a very subdued way of saying what it is that I now feel.

When I think now about yoga and how i used to see it versus how I see it now, it amazes me. I thought of meditation as an act, something you do. It is that. However, I now feel the connection to being open, meditating and aligning with the greater being of the world. For me, that is God. For you, that might be the Universe, Mother Nature, or something else. When I think of meditation, I see the inner body being opened up to receiving what God has for me. The enlightenment, the filling of knowledge, power in knowing myself and feeling the connection. I cannot fully describe to anyone who has never experienced this, how awesome it truly is. Being self aware and connected.

I am aware of who I am, who I am becoming and where I want to be. My great friend today told me the universe always has my back, I just have to put out there what I want. How true that is. I am so grateful for the people in my life right now. Every one of them has something so positive to add. Every one of them are helping to teach me a lesson in being the person I strive to be and the person that I am underneath. Even if they don’t know it.

A year and a half ago I wrote out my values and what they meant to me. I now have something in my life that is resonating with those values. It took me a little bit to see it and it felt weird. Now I know that what I am feeling is the beginning of fulfillment of something I set out to create in my life. Everything in life starts as a thought.

Putting these connections together has me imagining and believing, opening up and understanding. This is AWESOME!

Awareness Tree

They Are Changing Me……Not The Other Way Around


I have had a wake up call…..again! Apparently I am in need of every one of them that I am getting, so I’m ok with this. I started on this quest to complete 30 acts of kindness in 30 days. I assumed that I would find a greater connection with myself along the way and brightening someone else’s day could always brighten mine. You know, it is said, if you want to smile, make someone else smile.

A friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook when I posted my day 2 act. She said, that I truly did two acts of kindness if I thought about it. Huh? I asked my husband to come comfort me when my day wasnt going so good. So, why would that qualify as a kind act?

My husband an I were so close to divorce, I mean almost to the point of no return. The divorce is still filed in the courts, a judge is assigned and its awaiting a court date. A month ago, I would have told you I couldn’t wait until the divorce was final so I could be free. To go from pending divorce to asking him to comfort me – that’s a big change.

I actually asked my husband to comfort me which let him in to a very open part of me. Somewhere I had written him out of. Amazing. At least to me it is.

So, day 3….what did I do? I went on a field trip with my daughter. This same friend pointed out that this could very well be a kind act. I have never been the parent that joins the PTA, works every event, helps whenever I can. I have never been on a single field trip. It’s not that my children haven’t asked me, they absolutely have. It has always been my choice to not take part in their activities in that way.

Even this field trip, I wasn’t sure that I was even going to go. In my mind I was battling my addiction to work, feeling that I needed to be present at work and how was I going to ask my boss for time off? My boss had never had a problem with me taking time off but I was assuming that it would be a problem, because I had the issue. So, for me to take the day off and be able to enjoy time with my daughter – it was a BIG deal.

You know what? I did it, I threw my hands up and said, if I am going to change my life I have to start somewhere and a lot of it is going to be hard. This was hard. I am happy to say that I had the best day with my daughter, worry free. And you know what? I wasn’t fired when I got back to work, the world hadn’t ended, nothing was on fire, everything was absolutely ok. Shocker! The world doesn’t revolve around me?! Nope. And, I’m glad!!

The next day came around and people had asked me what I had done for day 3 and my response was “nothing”. Why? Because I didn’t feel like I had done anything at that point. I was still praying, asking God to show me what to do. That afternoon a girl showed up on my doorstep asking if we wanted to buy candy bars to support her going to church camp.

I let my children each get a candy bar, and I even gave her extra money. Thanks God. I needed that. If I wasn’t out looking thank you for bringing the opportunity to my doorstep. The next day, yesterday, is when I had the talk with my friend. I realized that everyone was changing me. It didn’t matter if I simply had a heart to heart with my son or daughter, or I started talking to an old friend again, or if I gave supplies to the disaster relief.

Every one of those acts has an impact on me. I need to spend more time reflecting on the impacts happening to me than what acts I am going to do to impact someone else. At first I thought this seemed very selfish but then I realized that I am on a quest to find myself, to listen to my heart and learn more and more about myself. So, I may not post every day about the act that I did but rather about the impact it is having in my life.

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