The Upswing of Rock Bottom


rockbottomHave you ever had that realization that you must have hit the true rock bottom, the all time low for your life as you know it? The moment where you realize that if this path continues, you will cease existence as you know it? I think at one time or another we all find ourselves in a situation much like that. I believe that a true “rock bottom” can look different for different people. Mine was not what I expected. Life took a very drastic turn for me and I was barely holding on. It has been a true life-changing, utterly altering, shockingly amazing journey that I have been walking.

My life has always had its ups and downs, whose doesn’t? I never thought that what happened to me would happen. That sounds so cliche. Every time I hear someone utter those words, I think, “but life happens to us all, what makes you think you are excluded?” I never realized until this past September, what it really meant. When someone says that they didn’t think the experience or situation would happen to them, they were truly blind to the reality that the possibility existed and was lying so close to them that it was waiting to strike. In September I was blind.

I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. I said to my mother “I tried so hard to make sure this didn’t happen…” What I didn’t realize until a bit later was that by trying to ensure these events didn’t happen, the ones that shook me to the core of my being and punched a hole so wide that I didn’t think it would heal but fully thought it would be the end, I actually had a hand in making it all come true.

It takes a lot to look at your life and the events surrounding you, the turmoil, shame, hurt, sorrow, pain, all of it, that it will either make or break you. I chose that I would not let this end me. I vowed that I would survive and I would be better for it. I would learn from this.

Had it not been for a very important person in my life giving me a virtual smack and a sudden wake up call that I was sliding fast toward a life that wasn’t worth living, that I realized I had to make some changes. Time to put the big girl pants on and quit wallowing in the hurt and pain and start making something out of it. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

God Rock

I started the journey toward self healing and self helping. Struggling to grip back on to everything in my life that I had worked so hard to build. I knew that I didn’t want to lose those things for good. I had to make a choice, I had to decide that I was worth it and the people I loved were worth it too.

Its not easy and I believe that it will be an ever changing, continuously rolling tide that will only grow with each sunrise and sunset. But I am looking forward to how beautiful those sunrises and sunsets will be each day, each moment, shining a God given grace, love and mercy on me, lighting up the path that awaits my next steps on a journey that I am proud to be walking.

I will forever be sad that it took my rock bottom for me to wake up. I can not change anything that has happened. I can only look to the future that will be waiting for my next moment.

Rock-bottom1

 

 

Goal Overboard!


We all know by now that I am setting out to change my life and the life of my children. I want to change my family tree – as Dave Ramsey says. And I am sure that I am going to do just that! On this journey of mine I am learning new resources and new ways to view things. My current resource is one of Dave Ramsey’s books – How to Have More Than Enough. (I bought it for $10.00 in his May sale!!)

Anywhoodles – I have been working and reworking every chapter of this book – and I’m on chapter 3….. 🙂 I am sure I will write about this book and my journey through it over time. Chapter 2 was definitely a doozie having to choose parenting values and statements. That was not easy but I know all the work I am doing will be worth it in time. Here is something I created to hang on my family living room wall so we can have it in front of us always.

Capture

So, what inspired this post? Well now on Chapter 3 and the work I am doing here is about my future, my dreams, my goals and what life I want to create. I love creating my own life! The possibilities truly are unlimited. I don’t know how many times I heard that growing up and thinking, “yeah, ok” but not ever really understanding it. The excitement I feel in saying the statement “I am creating my own life” is immeasurable and un-explainable to anyone who has not held those words in their mouth and more importantly, in their heart.

But goals oh goals, I have so many of you. Which will I choose to be the end product? Which ones will come to fruition and actually be something I sit on my porch at 80 and laugh about? I do dare to dream and I do dare to wonder and I WILL dare to accomplish them.

As I was pondering on them I realized that I needed paper and pen – or a word document on the computer and so I started writing. Then I realized that Dave was right, I was going to have to define these goals hardcore. So I started writing more. Then I realized that he was right again! Darn IT! I was going to have to prioritize these goals. So….. Here is a glimpse of what the start of this is looking like for me:

Goals:

  1. Be debt free
    1. How much has to be paid off?
    2. How much money each month can be put toward the goal?
    3. How long will this take?
  2. Have a fully funded savings account
    1. How much money do I need to live on each month?
    2. How much money can I save each month?
    3. How much money will I need total in the savings account?
    4. How many months of expenses will this cover?
  3. Purchase my own home in cash
    1. How much home do I want to purchase?
    2. Where do I want to purchase?
    3. What does the home have?
    4. Will I renovate?
    5. Once I’m debt free how much money per month can be saved?
    6. How long will it take to purchase the home?
  4. Complete my bucket list by June 21st 2023 (day before I turn 40)
  5. Own rental properties with a cash flow of $5000.00 per month
  6. Own a ranch with 2 horses and a barn
    1. Will this be a 2nd home or my retirement home?
    2. What kind of horses and how much will they cost?
    3. Do I want to build all myself or find something that fits my needs?
    4. What is my budget for this?
  7. Retire by age 55
    1. How much income will I need to live on?
    2. How much will I need to have in savings?
    3. What do I plan on doing in retirement?
    4. Will that take more money that needs to be planned on?
  8. Become a certified coach
  9. Own a business out of my home earning $2500.00 per month
  10. Start a non-profit organization assisting young parents to achieve their dreams

I know, some of those sure are lofty goals right? Well, taking them all one step at a time will ensure that I am able to complete what is important to me and they will get done as God is willing. So, when I got down to number 4, I realized I might need to print out my bucket list again and put it back in front of my face. I had been feeling like I hadn’t done much in these first 2 years – yeah I know – 2 WHOLE years! but then I realized that I had. I have completed 6 of them, and 2 more of them are in progress so I would say that’s a pretty darn good start.

Looking at my list I realized some of these bucket list items will take a lot of money, or time off work/away from kids etc. That is not something I am going to have the luxury of doing while getting out of debt so I guess that means I need to prioritize them too. Good gravy! Well, I did. I have chosen 5 bucket list items to complete between now and my 33rd birthday in 2016. Those items are – drum-roll please-

  • Zip Lining
  • Helicopter Ride
  • Riding a Train
  • Run a 10K
  • Feel Comfortable in a Bikini on the Beach!

YAY!! I have a direction! *Sigh* The freedom in knowing where you want to go and that you have chosen to go there on purpose is such a relieving feeling. May you one day know this feeling that is filling me like a hot air balloon about to go for a ride. I am such a driven and achievement oriented person – please see earlier post 🙂 – that I am having a hard time holding myself back from running without hurting myself! I know that all good things come in time. And all things worth having are worth waiting for. And nothing comes easy. Hard work pays off. And all the other one liner statements about how it is that I am going to have to get there. I have one sentence for all of that:

PATIENCE IS NOT IN MY LIST OF GOD GIVEN VIRTUES! 

*SIGH* I know, I know, all in due time.

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime


strengths-finder-628x3351

I have posted before on my controlling nature in a sort of way and I’m still learning that lesson every day. I battle with feeling insecure, unloved, not good enough etc etc etc etc…. You get the picture. I recently took a test on my strengths to find more insight into myself. This was a HUGE eye opener for me and at the very same time, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know about myself.

My top 5 strengths:

  1. Restorative
  2. Intellection
  3. Empathy
  4. Achiever
  5. Input

The first one, restorative, are people who are themed with being adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. What makes me different in this field is that I do it internally. I am constantly striving to improve myself in any way possible. I want people to tell me what my short falls are and I firmly believe that if I don’t handle those things, I will fail and jeopardize my future. I believe also that the achiever in me is just making this stand out that much more and the input portion (wanting to know everything i can get my hands on) also magnifies this to such a degree that it can be dangerous!

The down side I find is that when I am constantly critiquing myself, I open the door to feeling upset by not being enough. No one is doing that to me but myself. My new challenge is to find a way to critique myself without feeling as though I am a failure, no good, or in some way faltering.

So what does any of this have to do with controlling my life? EVERYTHING! Because I am always trying to make things better, this means that I am also trying to manage and manipulate every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to just sit back and let life happen. I can’t seem to understand that its OK that everything isn’t as peachy perfect as I want it to be. I can see the future. I can taste how awesome its going to be when I finally achieve all of my dreams yet I feel like I am seeing it while being stuck with my feet in quick sand as though I will never make it. Do you struggle with this?

quick sand

That analogy alone made me just realize that with quick sand if you struggle you will drown, however, if you take one slow methodical movement at a time, you will reach the end. Wow, God does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? It should be known that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a PATIENT PERSON!

I am struggling to find a way to fit my wanting to learn and better myself into finding a deep and meaningful relationship that gives me a break from the every day, as well as balancing that with my want to work to the death, and still be as present for my kids as much as they need. WHEW! That was a mouthful. Is that even possible?

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime

Life’s Mission and Getting There


I haven’t written anything in quite a while and I have been itching to do so. There is a lot in my life right now that at times seems in-congruent and at other times seems to be going ok. In the past several years it has been my running theme that I take a deep look at myself and what challenges I am having. I then figure out how I could have made those challenges less…..well…. challenging. Most of the time, I come back to myself. My actions, attitude, inaction, and self doubt, to name a few, all have an impact on whatever might be going on.

Quite some time ago I was listening to 12 Steps to Higher Self Esteem by Linda Larson. While doing so, I created my life mission statement. My mission statement doesn’t have to be shared, but I am sharing:

“The purpose of my life is to live intimately in-tune with my spirit, honoring my wisdom, seeking what is held in my heart with purpose, clarity and commitment. I vow to live each day with integrity and balance, compassionately assisting others using the best of my skills.”

I have fallen a bit away from this as a whole but I am pleased to say that I am still moving forward in my life. Now, the trick is to get back on track with living out my mission statement every day in my life. The other really positive quote I wrote down from this lesson is also important:

“Everything in my life I create, promote, allow or step in. If there is something in my life I no longer choose – I take full responsibility for changing it. I am in the drivers seat and I LOVE it.”

That is so much harder to follow. But it isn’t impossible. You have to take responsibility for everything happening in your life. I have realized that at times my lack of decision, was in fact, a decision. I refused to make a decision and therefore, the result is I allowed whatever could happen to happen. I promote things in my life that I don’t want or like by responding to the situation rather than ignoring it. I step into some situations completely unintentionally but it’s what I do once I find myself there. There are other situations that I create specifically because I wanted to or my actions led them to be created.

Knowing these two statements, fully understanding them and living by them has caused me to be able to move forward and begin to live a life that is truly meaningful to me. Don’t get me wrong, not everything is perfect. A lot of the negatives in my life are still around. But they aren’t impossible for me to remove them. I just have to try which is where the purpose, clarity and commitment in my mission statement come in to play.

Have you ever thought about your mission in life and whether or not you are setting yourself up to live the life that you want? Could you create a better life if you knew what your mission was? Are you taking full ownership of what is happening in your life and setting out to change what you don’t want?

Change Oh How I’ve Missed You!…… HA!!


change-ahead-sign

What do they say again………..nothing ever stays the same, everything is always changing? Yup so it is. Of course, we know that things are always going to change. You can probably go through your life wearing Khakis every work day, getting up at the same time, eating the same breakfast, taking your lunch, getting your hair cut on the same day and time every month, starting and ending your workday at the same time and go to bed at the same time. But isn’t that a little ground-hog-dayish of you?

I know I wouldn’t want to live that life. But sometimes the change I encounter, yeah well, I don’t want it either! Why can’t I just have exactly what I want when I want it because that’s what I want?!?! Oh, um-mm yeah, because I’m not 2 anymore and if I want to be a grown up then I need to act like one, right?

So, here I sit, with my hands raking my hair, secretly hoping that it’s all a bad dream. HA! I’m not that lucky!! No, seriously, sometimes you feel like everything is ready to cave in around you and it can be very overwhelming. This could be one of those times. Fortunately, I am gaining so many new found self-help skills that I actually know how to recognize this problem, breathe through it, and come out the other side with my wits intact. I know – it’s just short of a miracle.

I have my job, which in prior comments, I have made mention that I might not be so thrilled with it. However, in looking at it as a whole, I really like what I do. I am happy in my field but I know I have a lot to work on – but hey, who doesn’t? Now, the following formula is currently my life:

JOB + 3 KIDS + SCHOOL (for them) + COLLEGE (full course load) + HOUSEWORK = Insane person??? J

Yes, it’s a lot on my plate, and yes, someone could go completely nuts with all of this. However, I have, quite thankfully, found more ways to handle every day crap that gets tossed around. After all, its never going to stop happening is it? So rather than sit and wallow in self-pity eating tubs of ice cream to quiet down the inside voice – I accept the inside voice and tell her to deal with it! change wordle

In all honesty, everything boils down to choice. Just this past weekend, I was walking around all sullen and my husband says “what’s wrong”. Typical female answer (am I’m female so I totally have the right to say that!) is what I give him “nu-thin”. Then realizing this is a communication opportunity, I explain that I am not myself because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. He was watching what he wanted to on TV, the kids had games on before that and all I had been doing was cleaning and cooking. Guess what? No one told me to clean or cook and I didn’t ask for help with it.

I then went to the store to get coffee, because if I down and don’t have coffee, it isn’t pretty. So I’m at the store, see the RedBox and say to myself “Hey! I have an idea self! Let’s get a movie and turn it into a family day.” I picked out a movie I wanted and let my 4 year old pick out a family movie. I came home and made popcorn, everyone was excited for movies and it turned out just fine.

So, not only do you have the choice for change, a lot more often than you realize, the change lies within your choices. If you want it to be better, make it better for you.

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