The Next Moment


I am too fat. I am unlovable. I will never be…. I wouldn’t be here if…. This is all I can have. I will have to take what I can get. My stomach is too big to wear anything like that. If only I were a size  10 again. I can’t believe my arms have so much fat on them.

We all hear it, in our own head. We all think these things and then try to cover them up, hope its our imagination so no one will notice them. Insecurities. From deep within, attacking at the perfect moments. When you are trying to make a decision. When you need to trust yourself. On a first date. A day at the beach. Getting dressed for work. Interviewing for a job. Every day there are a million moments that can be an opportunity to strike.

I am worth it. I deserve it. I am more. I am beautiful. I am loving and kind. I am a generous person. I deserve more.

These affirmations are very different. They lift my spirit. Show me that in all of me there is good. I was created perfectly. As imperfect as I might think I am, this is who I was made to be. For someone with insecurities that run as high as mine and self doubt that is a swimming pool that seems so inviting at first. This has been an uphill battle for many years.

Tell YourselfThoughts become things. When I put that together with what am I saying about myself. Hearing the evil villain in my head trying to get me to believe those words, I realized that I was only becoming the thought that was being repeated. I can change this! I can live a beautiful life. I just have to believe it. How do I do that? I change the words in my head. Its not easy and quite honestly it takes a TON of effort. I believe I can change my thoughts. When you first become aware, you can then accept the truth. When you accept the truth and reality then you can start to understand how to change it. And I believe in myself so much that I know I am more than the ugly villain in my head. That guy needs to shut up!

This has led me to take the first step. Yeah you though all that was the first step huh? It wasn’t. The first step was to take action on my beliefs. To prove to myself that this is real and I am capable. The opportunity appeared for me to stand up for what I want. To say that I want more in life and there is nothing wrong with that. To give someone a chance to meet my needs in a way that I wanted and needed, and to stop being ignored.

permission-to-let-goThat in and of itself was a huge step. The next step was me sticking to me. Maintaining that there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for and if this person wasn’t willing to give themselves the opportunity to meet my needs as I met theirs, then there was nothing more for me to do. I refuse to beat down a wall for someone again. It takes a lot of energy. I did it for two people in the past and the most recent one was myself. That is how I learned.

It is not possible to give yourself to someone on an emotionally intimate level when you wont let them in. That is being emotionally unavailable. No one can break your wall that you have built to ensure your safety from the world. The blocks around your most intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions. When you let someone behind that wall  you are vulnerable. It will give them the ability to damage you to the core. So you have to trust that the person you let in loves you so much that it would break them to take advantage of your vulnerability. This person did not trust me and chose their wall.

Expectations are unrealized disappointments. I was continuing to allow myself to be disappointed in not receiving what I desired. I kept thinking that if I was enough, did enough, showed enough, opened myself enough, it would happen. That’s when I realized the real statement here. If I was enough, there wouldn’t be a wall. That wall isn’t my fault and it isn’t my job to get rid of it. Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is something I have learned only leads to pain from my own expectations.

Empty CupI am more. I am worth being loved. My needs are important. Intimacy is not being weak. Loving is OK. Wanting to be loved is OK. I am a good woman. I deserve. I am worth it. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong. I am a good person. I am worth knowing.

It doesn’t matter that its not accepted by someone else. That just means that I can stop disappointing myself now. I am giving myself permission to be loved and receive the desires of my heart. Most of all I am giving myself permission to ask for what I want. I am giving myself permission to meet my own needs.

#Iamworthit. 

Wonderful

The Upswing of Rock Bottom


rockbottomHave you ever had that realization that you must have hit the true rock bottom, the all time low for your life as you know it? The moment where you realize that if this path continues, you will cease existence as you know it? I think at one time or another we all find ourselves in a situation much like that. I believe that a true “rock bottom” can look different for different people. Mine was not what I expected. Life took a very drastic turn for me and I was barely holding on. It has been a true life-changing, utterly altering, shockingly amazing journey that I have been walking.

My life has always had its ups and downs, whose doesn’t? I never thought that what happened to me would happen. That sounds so cliche. Every time I hear someone utter those words, I think, “but life happens to us all, what makes you think you are excluded?” I never realized until this past September, what it really meant. When someone says that they didn’t think the experience or situation would happen to them, they were truly blind to the reality that the possibility existed and was lying so close to them that it was waiting to strike. In September I was blind.

I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. I said to my mother “I tried so hard to make sure this didn’t happen…” What I didn’t realize until a bit later was that by trying to ensure these events didn’t happen, the ones that shook me to the core of my being and punched a hole so wide that I didn’t think it would heal but fully thought it would be the end, I actually had a hand in making it all come true.

It takes a lot to look at your life and the events surrounding you, the turmoil, shame, hurt, sorrow, pain, all of it, that it will either make or break you. I chose that I would not let this end me. I vowed that I would survive and I would be better for it. I would learn from this.

Had it not been for a very important person in my life giving me a virtual smack and a sudden wake up call that I was sliding fast toward a life that wasn’t worth living, that I realized I had to make some changes. Time to put the big girl pants on and quit wallowing in the hurt and pain and start making something out of it. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

God Rock

I started the journey toward self healing and self helping. Struggling to grip back on to everything in my life that I had worked so hard to build. I knew that I didn’t want to lose those things for good. I had to make a choice, I had to decide that I was worth it and the people I loved were worth it too.

Its not easy and I believe that it will be an ever changing, continuously rolling tide that will only grow with each sunrise and sunset. But I am looking forward to how beautiful those sunrises and sunsets will be each day, each moment, shining a God given grace, love and mercy on me, lighting up the path that awaits my next steps on a journey that I am proud to be walking.

I will forever be sad that it took my rock bottom for me to wake up. I can not change anything that has happened. I can only look to the future that will be waiting for my next moment.

Rock-bottom1

 

 

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime


strengths-finder-628x3351

I have posted before on my controlling nature in a sort of way and I’m still learning that lesson every day. I battle with feeling insecure, unloved, not good enough etc etc etc etc…. You get the picture. I recently took a test on my strengths to find more insight into myself. This was a HUGE eye opener for me and at the very same time, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know about myself.

My top 5 strengths:

  1. Restorative
  2. Intellection
  3. Empathy
  4. Achiever
  5. Input

The first one, restorative, are people who are themed with being adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. What makes me different in this field is that I do it internally. I am constantly striving to improve myself in any way possible. I want people to tell me what my short falls are and I firmly believe that if I don’t handle those things, I will fail and jeopardize my future. I believe also that the achiever in me is just making this stand out that much more and the input portion (wanting to know everything i can get my hands on) also magnifies this to such a degree that it can be dangerous!

The down side I find is that when I am constantly critiquing myself, I open the door to feeling upset by not being enough. No one is doing that to me but myself. My new challenge is to find a way to critique myself without feeling as though I am a failure, no good, or in some way faltering.

So what does any of this have to do with controlling my life? EVERYTHING! Because I am always trying to make things better, this means that I am also trying to manage and manipulate every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to just sit back and let life happen. I can’t seem to understand that its OK that everything isn’t as peachy perfect as I want it to be. I can see the future. I can taste how awesome its going to be when I finally achieve all of my dreams yet I feel like I am seeing it while being stuck with my feet in quick sand as though I will never make it. Do you struggle with this?

quick sand

That analogy alone made me just realize that with quick sand if you struggle you will drown, however, if you take one slow methodical movement at a time, you will reach the end. Wow, God does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? It should be known that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a PATIENT PERSON!

I am struggling to find a way to fit my wanting to learn and better myself into finding a deep and meaningful relationship that gives me a break from the every day, as well as balancing that with my want to work to the death, and still be as present for my kids as much as they need. WHEW! That was a mouthful. Is that even possible?

One Step – One Day – One Lifetime

Life’s Decisions


Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

We all have them to make. They stare at us and hound us like a 4-year-old who wants something does. They don’t go away just because you ignore them. Hell, sometimes they get in the way even more until they are made. The part I hate the most…..refusing to make a decision, is still a decision.

imagesI personally, have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, been good about making decisions. I either make them hastily and look back on them wishing I had been smarter about the situation or I wait and wait and wait, asking everyone what they think and choose someone else’s opinion as my own. Wow, talk about not being able to stand on your own two feet!

What I have learned for sure is that, when I choose someone’s decision for my own, I am never fully comfortable or happy with the choice. Why? Because I didn’t choose it for me. When I don’t make a decision and I should, I end up always thinking about how it might have been. How the choice I would have made, would have turned out. So, I am now learning I must make a decision.

I started wondering how in the world do I make good decisions, not made in haste and not borrowing someone else’s truth?!

English: Emphasising choice in decision making...

English: Emphasising choice in decision making as a tool for achievement and empowerment Español: Acentuar la opción en la toma de decisión como herramienta para el logro y la capacitación (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mom was always big into a list of pro’s and con’s and choose the one that makes sense. Other people have been “go with your gut, do what makes you happy”, still others are “it’s not about you, do what is right”. Jeez people! Make up my mind will you?!All of these are good suggestions, coming from the right place, and at the end of the day – I have decided they are all……. well true. Sometimes, the decision you know you have to make is not a decision that you will like nor will it make you immediately happy. Sometimes, the decision, you will love but others will be unhappy. Still yet, there will be times where it’s a necessary decision that carries the most sense, the least suffering and no one likes it.

That is why making a decision is HARD. Currently, I am faced with my car – its a pain in my tuchus! It’s paid for, I have poured a lot of money into it in 4 years replacing almost everything under the hood, the engine and transmission still have another 50,000 miles of warranty on them, thanks to the extra warranty that I purchased. However, I just put 800.00 into this thing, now its acting up again and I don’t know whats wrong with it. So, I, in my “wanting what I want, when I want it” want a new car.

Is that the smartest thing to do? Ummm, maybe???? I technically can afford it, I would get to pick something I wanted – (my husband picked this one and while I love it, I didn’t choose it), I would have a newer vehicle and therefore I would have a much better outward appearance, newer cars have much more gadgetry than my 2000 Jeep (which doesn’t even have a CD player!!), I would probably get a vehicle that gets much better gas mileage.

Cons? Oh, I guess I need those too huh? Crap! Ok, purchasing a car is being married to a vehicle for a LOOOONGG time, do I really want to spend 250 -300 every month on a car for the next 5 years? (for those who don’t realize – that’s 18,000.00 for 11,000.00 of a loan – probably) My credit isn’t the best so I am going to get a super crappy rate or not even be able to get what I really want if I get anything at all. It’s cheaper to buy a new stereo and have it installed in my Jeep. I have much better things to invest money in, like a house, which is on my bucket list – remember? Oh yeah 😦 My outward appearance, shouldn’t matter, that’s being vain and then I am not living the christian life the right way.

When, you are right you are right. I could keep going with both the pro’s and the con’s. So, what’s next? My gut, its screaming “BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT!!!!!”. The voice in the back of my head is whispering “be smart, be smart!”. UGGHHH This decision thing isn’t easy!! Ok, trying to ignore those…….how will it affect myself and my family. Sure, we would love a new car. They are nice, comfy, quiet, and don’t require a lot of attention right away. However, I do have a bond with my Jeep, I would hate to say goodbye to it. You know what else? We all would hate not being able to do nearly as much because now we have another bill and my car insurance bill, I am sure, would increase.

So, decision is, probably going to keep fixing it. Does that mean I don’t want the new car? Nope. Just means that I realize what is better for me, my family and my Jeep. I am not ready to say goodbye just yet, I still have feelings for it and I can make it great with just a little bit of attention. (and maybe a CD player for it?!)

So much to ponder, but in the end, it is YOUR choice. Just remember, you aren’t always the only one riding in the car. I guess I have learned that if you combine listening to your gut, looking for what affects those in your life – the good and bad, and listing out your pro’s and con’s…….you will probably come to the right decision. When you have made peace within yourself, you know it’s the right decision for you.

Do you have a looming decision to make about something big? Are you leaning to the nice, comfortable, quiet choice rather than the choice that means a little extra work? Is “new” looking sparkly while “old or current” is looking drab? We all have them. If you put the love and attention into the somewhat forgotten piece, can it be sparkly again?

Good Luck!

If you have been faced with something recently that you struggled with, how did you finally come to your decision?

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