The Upswing of Rock Bottom

rockbottomHave you ever had that realization that you must have hit the true rock bottom, the all time low for your life as you know it? The moment where you realize that if this path continues, you will cease existence as you know it? I think at one time or another we all find ourselves in a situation much like that. I believe that a true “rock bottom” can look different for different people. Mine was not what I expected. Life took a very drastic turn for me and I was barely holding on. It has been a true life-changing, utterly altering, shockingly amazing journey that I have been walking.

My life has always had its ups and downs, whose doesn’t? I never thought that what happened to me would happen. That sounds so cliche. Every time I hear someone utter those words, I think, “but life happens to us all, what makes you think you are excluded?” I never realized until this past September, what it really meant. When someone says that they didn’t think the experience or situation would happen to them, they were truly blind to the reality that the possibility existed and was lying so close to them that it was waiting to strike. In September I was blind.

I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. I said to my mother “I tried so hard to make sure this didn’t happen…” What I didn’t realize until a bit later was that by trying to ensure these events didn’t happen, the ones that shook me to the core of my being and punched a hole so wide that I didn’t think it would heal but fully thought it would be the end, I actually had a hand in making it all come true.

It takes a lot to look at your life and the events surrounding you, the turmoil, shame, hurt, sorrow, pain, all of it, that it will either make or break you. I chose that I would not let this end me. I vowed that I would survive and I would be better for it. I would learn from this.

Had it not been for a very important person in my life giving me a virtual smack and a sudden wake up call that I was sliding fast toward a life that wasn’t worth living, that I realized I had to make some changes. Time to put the big girl pants on and quit wallowing in the hurt and pain and start making something out of it. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

God Rock

I started the journey toward self healing and self helping. Struggling to grip back on to everything in my life that I had worked so hard to build. I knew that I didn’t want to lose those things for good. I had to make a choice, I had to decide that I was worth it and the people I loved were worth it too.

Its not easy and I believe that it will be an ever changing, continuously rolling tide that will only grow with each sunrise and sunset. But I am looking forward to how beautiful those sunrises and sunsets will be each day, each moment, shining a God given grace, love and mercy on me, lighting up the path that awaits my next steps on a journey that I am proud to be walking.

I will forever be sad that it took my rock bottom for me to wake up. I can not change anything that has happened. I can only look to the future that will be waiting for my next moment.




Life’s Decisions

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

We all have them to make. They stare at us and hound us like a 4-year-old who wants something does. They don’t go away just because you ignore them. Hell, sometimes they get in the way even more until they are made. The part I hate the most…..refusing to make a decision, is still a decision.

imagesI personally, have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, been good about making decisions. I either make them hastily and look back on them wishing I had been smarter about the situation or I wait and wait and wait, asking everyone what they think and choose someone else’s opinion as my own. Wow, talk about not being able to stand on your own two feet!

What I have learned for sure is that, when I choose someone’s decision for my own, I am never fully comfortable or happy with the choice. Why? Because I didn’t choose it for me. When I don’t make a decision and I should, I end up always thinking about how it might have been. How the choice I would have made, would have turned out. So, I am now learning I must make a decision.

I started wondering how in the world do I make good decisions, not made in haste and not borrowing someone else’s truth?!

English: Emphasising choice in decision making...

English: Emphasising choice in decision making as a tool for achievement and empowerment Español: Acentuar la opción en la toma de decisión como herramienta para el logro y la capacitación (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mom was always big into a list of pro’s and con’s and choose the one that makes sense. Other people have been “go with your gut, do what makes you happy”, still others are “it’s not about you, do what is right”. Jeez people! Make up my mind will you?!All of these are good suggestions, coming from the right place, and at the end of the day – I have decided they are all……. well true. Sometimes, the decision you know you have to make is not a decision that you will like nor will it make you immediately happy. Sometimes, the decision, you will love but others will be unhappy. Still yet, there will be times where it’s a necessary decision that carries the most sense, the least suffering and no one likes it.

That is why making a decision is HARD. Currently, I am faced with my car – its a pain in my tuchus! It’s paid for, I have poured a lot of money into it in 4 years replacing almost everything under the hood, the engine and transmission still have another 50,000 miles of warranty on them, thanks to the extra warranty that I purchased. However, I just put 800.00 into this thing, now its acting up again and I don’t know whats wrong with it. So, I, in my “wanting what I want, when I want it” want a new car.

Is that the smartest thing to do? Ummm, maybe???? I technically can afford it, I would get to pick something I wanted – (my husband picked this one and while I love it, I didn’t choose it), I would have a newer vehicle and therefore I would have a much better outward appearance, newer cars have much more gadgetry than my 2000 Jeep (which doesn’t even have a CD player!!), I would probably get a vehicle that gets much better gas mileage.

Cons? Oh, I guess I need those too huh? Crap! Ok, purchasing a car is being married to a vehicle for a LOOOONGG time, do I really want to spend 250 -300 every month on a car for the next 5 years? (for those who don’t realize – that’s 18,000.00 for 11,000.00 of a loan – probably) My credit isn’t the best so I am going to get a super crappy rate or not even be able to get what I really want if I get anything at all. It’s cheaper to buy a new stereo and have it installed in my Jeep. I have much better things to invest money in, like a house, which is on my bucket list – remember? Oh yeah 😦 My outward appearance, shouldn’t matter, that’s being vain and then I am not living the christian life the right way.

When, you are right you are right. I could keep going with both the pro’s and the con’s. So, what’s next? My gut, its screaming “BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT!!!!!”. The voice in the back of my head is whispering “be smart, be smart!”. UGGHHH This decision thing isn’t easy!! Ok, trying to ignore those…….how will it affect myself and my family. Sure, we would love a new car. They are nice, comfy, quiet, and don’t require a lot of attention right away. However, I do have a bond with my Jeep, I would hate to say goodbye to it. You know what else? We all would hate not being able to do nearly as much because now we have another bill and my car insurance bill, I am sure, would increase.

So, decision is, probably going to keep fixing it. Does that mean I don’t want the new car? Nope. Just means that I realize what is better for me, my family and my Jeep. I am not ready to say goodbye just yet, I still have feelings for it and I can make it great with just a little bit of attention. (and maybe a CD player for it?!)

So much to ponder, but in the end, it is YOUR choice. Just remember, you aren’t always the only one riding in the car. I guess I have learned that if you combine listening to your gut, looking for what affects those in your life – the good and bad, and listing out your pro’s and con’s…….you will probably come to the right decision. When you have made peace within yourself, you know it’s the right decision for you.

Do you have a looming decision to make about something big? Are you leaning to the nice, comfortable, quiet choice rather than the choice that means a little extra work? Is “new” looking sparkly while “old or current” is looking drab? We all have them. If you put the love and attention into the somewhat forgotten piece, can it be sparkly again?

Good Luck!

If you have been faced with something recently that you struggled with, how did you finally come to your decision?

They Are Changing Me……Not The Other Way Around

I have had a wake up call…..again! Apparently I am in need of every one of them that I am getting, so I’m ok with this. I started on this quest to complete 30 acts of kindness in 30 days. I assumed that I would find a greater connection with myself along the way and brightening someone else’s day could always brighten mine. You know, it is said, if you want to smile, make someone else smile.

A friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook when I posted my day 2 act. She said, that I truly did two acts of kindness if I thought about it. Huh? I asked my husband to come comfort me when my day wasnt going so good. So, why would that qualify as a kind act?

My husband an I were so close to divorce, I mean almost to the point of no return. The divorce is still filed in the courts, a judge is assigned and its awaiting a court date. A month ago, I would have told you I couldn’t wait until the divorce was final so I could be free. To go from pending divorce to asking him to comfort me – that’s a big change.

I actually asked my husband to comfort me which let him in to a very open part of me. Somewhere I had written him out of. Amazing. At least to me it is.

So, day 3….what did I do? I went on a field trip with my daughter. This same friend pointed out that this could very well be a kind act. I have never been the parent that joins the PTA, works every event, helps whenever I can. I have never been on a single field trip. It’s not that my children haven’t asked me, they absolutely have. It has always been my choice to not take part in their activities in that way.

Even this field trip, I wasn’t sure that I was even going to go. In my mind I was battling my addiction to work, feeling that I needed to be present at work and how was I going to ask my boss for time off? My boss had never had a problem with me taking time off but I was assuming that it would be a problem, because I had the issue. So, for me to take the day off and be able to enjoy time with my daughter – it was a BIG deal.

You know what? I did it, I threw my hands up and said, if I am going to change my life I have to start somewhere and a lot of it is going to be hard. This was hard. I am happy to say that I had the best day with my daughter, worry free. And you know what? I wasn’t fired when I got back to work, the world hadn’t ended, nothing was on fire, everything was absolutely ok. Shocker! The world doesn’t revolve around me?! Nope. And, I’m glad!!

The next day came around and people had asked me what I had done for day 3 and my response was “nothing”. Why? Because I didn’t feel like I had done anything at that point. I was still praying, asking God to show me what to do. That afternoon a girl showed up on my doorstep asking if we wanted to buy candy bars to support her going to church camp.

I let my children each get a candy bar, and I even gave her extra money. Thanks God. I needed that. If I wasn’t out looking thank you for bringing the opportunity to my doorstep. The next day, yesterday, is when I had the talk with my friend. I realized that everyone was changing me. It didn’t matter if I simply had a heart to heart with my son or daughter, or I started talking to an old friend again, or if I gave supplies to the disaster relief.

Every one of those acts has an impact on me. I need to spend more time reflecting on the impacts happening to me than what acts I am going to do to impact someone else. At first I thought this seemed very selfish but then I realized that I am on a quest to find myself, to listen to my heart and learn more and more about myself. So, I may not post every day about the act that I did but rather about the impact it is having in my life.

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