The Next Moment

I am too fat. I am unlovable. I will never be…. I wouldn’t be here if…. This is all I can have. I will have to take what I can get. My stomach is too big to wear anything like that. If only I were a size  10 again. I can’t believe my arms have so much fat on them.

We all hear it, in our own head. We all think these things and then try to cover them up, hope its our imagination so no one will notice them. Insecurities. From deep within, attacking at the perfect moments. When you are trying to make a decision. When you need to trust yourself. On a first date. A day at the beach. Getting dressed for work. Interviewing for a job. Every day there are a million moments that can be an opportunity to strike.

I am worth it. I deserve it. I am more. I am beautiful. I am loving and kind. I am a generous person. I deserve more.

These affirmations are very different. They lift my spirit. Show me that in all of me there is good. I was created perfectly. As imperfect as I might think I am, this is who I was made to be. For someone with insecurities that run as high as mine and self doubt that is a swimming pool that seems so inviting at first. This has been an uphill battle for many years.

Tell YourselfThoughts become things. When I put that together with what am I saying about myself. Hearing the evil villain in my head trying to get me to believe those words, I realized that I was only becoming the thought that was being repeated. I can change this! I can live a beautiful life. I just have to believe it. How do I do that? I change the words in my head. Its not easy and quite honestly it takes a TON of effort. I believe I can change my thoughts. When you first become aware, you can then accept the truth. When you accept the truth and reality then you can start to understand how to change it. And I believe in myself so much that I know I am more than the ugly villain in my head. That guy needs to shut up!

This has led me to take the first step. Yeah you though all that was the first step huh? It wasn’t. The first step was to take action on my beliefs. To prove to myself that this is real and I am capable. The opportunity appeared for me to stand up for what I want. To say that I want more in life and there is nothing wrong with that. To give someone a chance to meet my needs in a way that I wanted and needed, and to stop being ignored.

permission-to-let-goThat in and of itself was a huge step. The next step was me sticking to me. Maintaining that there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for and if this person wasn’t willing to give themselves the opportunity to meet my needs as I met theirs, then there was nothing more for me to do. I refuse to beat down a wall for someone again. It takes a lot of energy. I did it for two people in the past and the most recent one was myself. That is how I learned.

It is not possible to give yourself to someone on an emotionally intimate level when you wont let them in. That is being emotionally unavailable. No one can break your wall that you have built to ensure your safety from the world. The blocks around your most intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions. When you let someone behind that wall  you are vulnerable. It will give them the ability to damage you to the core. So you have to trust that the person you let in loves you so much that it would break them to take advantage of your vulnerability. This person did not trust me and chose their wall.

Expectations are unrealized disappointments. I was continuing to allow myself to be disappointed in not receiving what I desired. I kept thinking that if I was enough, did enough, showed enough, opened myself enough, it would happen. That’s when I realized the real statement here. If I was enough, there wouldn’t be a wall. That wall isn’t my fault and it isn’t my job to get rid of it. Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is something I have learned only leads to pain from my own expectations.

Empty CupI am more. I am worth being loved. My needs are important. Intimacy is not being weak. Loving is OK. Wanting to be loved is OK. I am a good woman. I deserve. I am worth it. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong. I am a good person. I am worth knowing.

It doesn’t matter that its not accepted by someone else. That just means that I can stop disappointing myself now. I am giving myself permission to be loved and receive the desires of my heart. Most of all I am giving myself permission to ask for what I want. I am giving myself permission to meet my own needs.



Red Paper Heart – What’s On Yours?

While I was at my program we were introduced to some very different things – but very effective things. At one point we watched a movie of a baby in a living room. This baby was crawling around, touching things, making noises, moving around, things babies at about 9 months do. They can’t yet talk but they are beginning a phase of discovery.

Shiny and colored objects usually attract Infa...

Shiny and colored objects usually attract Infant’s vision. The baby is 6 months old. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, I bet you are wondering why I am talking about a baby huh? What does this have to do with me turning 3o or rediscovering myself? Just wait…..

We were all given a red sticky note heart and asked to complete a short assignment. While watching this video, using only half of the side of the paper, write down adjectives that describe the baby. The baby was bald, wearing only a diaper and in a living room with normal toys like a ball, a bear, blocks, etc. There was no way to say this baby was a boy or a girl.

The words appearing on the left side of my red paper heart were:

  • Curiosity
  • Adventurous
  • Joyous
  • Persistent
  • Loving
  • Resilient
  • Inquisitive
  • Brave

A good group of words. I was proud of myself! But I was still wondering what in the world this was doing for us. Why did these people think that watching a baby in a video made in the 70’s was going to help us?

Ahhh…..We were given another assignment. Break into groups of 3 and each take turns telling a favorite childhood memory. I listened to the other two people I was sitting with and they had stories of a bike and a lemonade stand. Then it was my turn.

I told my story – My best friend and I were in the 2nd grade, so 7ish probably maybe 8 I guess. We decided to walk to a convenience store where her dad worked to get a drink, it was hot, so it was either the weekend or a summer day. We talked to her dad for a long time and then left the store. We weren’t really decided on what to do next and an idea somehow came.

We walked up a large hill and on top of the hill hidden in the strips of trees, there was a train track. We walked down the middle of the train track talking and laughing. Then, around the bend up ahead a train was coming. She and I both jumped off the tracks but we were on different sides of the track now. My best friend looked terrified so I ran across to her side in front of the train as she was screaming.

My parents don’t know this story – well I guess they do now :).

Back in our small group, I was wondering, why did I tell this story? Why did they ask me to share a story?

Now we were asked to give each other 3 adjectives that we saw in the person who told the story. So, each of us would end up with 6 new words and that was to be written on the other side of the red paper heart. My group gave me these words:

  • Brave
  • Fearless
  • Free
  • Simple
  • Innocent
  • Sweet

Wow. Another good group of words. But I heard people tell me these things and I didn’t think that these were words that described me. My group mates weren’t wrong, they were just describing the organic me. The me that wasn’t protected by a barricade of walls for 20 years. The me that I didn’t know anymore. That’s why it felt wrong.

We were all then asked to think about these words as we went back to our lives and how these words, descriptions of us, either fit, or could fit into our life. I hadn’t thought about those words at all since ICapture had returned home – until tonight. We were also told that the words we wrote down about the baby, are really things we see in ourselves.

You see, whether good or bad, people see in others what is inside themselves. So my list of words describing the organic me that I am so eager to learn to be – it is something I need to look at daily to remind myself, its already inside. I just have to let myself be me.

What words are written on your red paper heart? These are the words that live in your true heart – own them, love them, honor them, LIVE them.

The Bucket List…..

1. Work on a Dude Ranch Vacation for a week ( or go on a covered wagon trail overnight)

2. Go on a cruise

3. Try Zip Lining

4. White Water Rafting

5. Take a Helicopter Ride

6. Take Yoga class for at least 3 months

7. Take cooking lessons

8. Go to Atlantic City for a night

9. Spend a weekend in Vegas

10. Ride a train somewhere

11. Run a 10K

12. Learn to snow ski

13. Go sailing for a day

14. Learn conversational spanish

15. Compose a song

16. Download 500 songs i actually like on an IPOD

17. Learn to Belly Dance

18. Be able to fire all rounds from my pistol in the center of a target

19. Go to Mardi Gras with someone special

20. Visit Canada

21. See Niagara Falls

22. See the Grand Canyon

23. Hike in the Redwood Forest

24. Feel comfortable wearing a bikini on the beach

25. Vacation on a tropical island

26. Visit the Smithsonian in Washington DC

27. Learn to sketch and create art for my bedroom

28. Make a list of 100 books to read and read them all

29. Learn to forgive those in my past

30. Go on the honeymoon that we never had

31. Do something kind for a stranger every day for 30 days.

32. Write a letter to each of my children telling them what ive learned in life and how.

33. Go on a shopping spree with 1000.00 to redo my wardrobe

34. Attend a concert by each of my top 20 favorite bands

35. Build a habitat for humanity home

36. Buy my first home

Ok, so there is my bucket list. What? Oh, there are 36 things here?! I tried to narrow it down and did some but I then decided that its ok to have more than 30 to do’s on my list and if I accomplish 30 of them – good!, if I do more great! and if I am able to add more to my list – awesome! BRING IT ON!! So, I am ok with having 36 to do’s and who knows maybe I will only accomplish 30 and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to do all 36 before I turn 40!

The next ten years has so much in store for me without even adding this bucket list or blog but I want to make sure I am living life to fullest, experiencing everything I desire and am financially able to experience. Life is a journey, and you can choose to make it exciting and full of passion and wonder sharing your journey with as many people as you can or you can choose to tag along on someone else’s ride. I’m ready to be me – whoever that is!!

And She’s Off……


So, here I am. This picture was taken at the end of April 2013 on a day at the park. This is two months before my 30th birthday and 2 weeks before the biggest eye opening event of my life.

My relationship of 10 years is on the line, divorce filed, getting uglier by the minute thanks to yours truly. My boss had come to me to give me an unconventional proposal which turned out to be a proposal of a lifetime. I was gifted with this amazing opportunity to attend a program to learn how to center my life. Sounds…..normal right? So I decided I would go. Out of this experience I realized the life I had been living is the same one I kept running from. I didnt know who I was or even wanted to be but I knew nothing was going my way.

This blog has been born out of the need to find out who I am, what I like and learning how to live life. I have a lot of years in me and I dont intend to waste anymore.

On June 22, 2013 I will turn 30! I had been scared of this year but I am now so ready for it. I keep hearing how my 30’s will be the age of discovery and learning and I couldnt be more excited. I am happy to say that I am working on mending my relationship rather than divorcing which I never thought would be possible or even something I would want to do – but believe me when I say…..I have never wanted anything more.

So, now was the question, how in the world am I going to start figuring out who I am or what I want? A BUCKET LIST! Im going to post my bucket list of 30 things to complete before my 30’s are over and I will blog along the way, sharing my thoughts, ideas, how well these things go…….or dont go 🙂 No matter how any of turns out, I know that I am going on the best adventure of my life.


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