The Next Moment


I am too fat. I am unlovable. I will never be…. I wouldn’t be here if…. This is all I can have. I will have to take what I can get. My stomach is too big to wear anything like that. If only I were a size  10 again. I can’t believe my arms have so much fat on them.

We all hear it, in our own head. We all think these things and then try to cover them up, hope its our imagination so no one will notice them. Insecurities. From deep within, attacking at the perfect moments. When you are trying to make a decision. When you need to trust yourself. On a first date. A day at the beach. Getting dressed for work. Interviewing for a job. Every day there are a million moments that can be an opportunity to strike.

I am worth it. I deserve it. I am more. I am beautiful. I am loving and kind. I am a generous person. I deserve more.

These affirmations are very different. They lift my spirit. Show me that in all of me there is good. I was created perfectly. As imperfect as I might think I am, this is who I was made to be. For someone with insecurities that run as high as mine and self doubt that is a swimming pool that seems so inviting at first. This has been an uphill battle for many years.

Tell YourselfThoughts become things. When I put that together with what am I saying about myself. Hearing the evil villain in my head trying to get me to believe those words, I realized that I was only becoming the thought that was being repeated. I can change this! I can live a beautiful life. I just have to believe it. How do I do that? I change the words in my head. Its not easy and quite honestly it takes a TON of effort. I believe I can change my thoughts. When you first become aware, you can then accept the truth. When you accept the truth and reality then you can start to understand how to change it. And I believe in myself so much that I know I am more than the ugly villain in my head. That guy needs to shut up!

This has led me to take the first step. Yeah you though all that was the first step huh? It wasn’t. The first step was to take action on my beliefs. To prove to myself that this is real and I am capable. The opportunity appeared for me to stand up for what I want. To say that I want more in life and there is nothing wrong with that. To give someone a chance to meet my needs in a way that I wanted and needed, and to stop being ignored.

permission-to-let-goThat in and of itself was a huge step. The next step was me sticking to me. Maintaining that there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for and if this person wasn’t willing to give themselves the opportunity to meet my needs as I met theirs, then there was nothing more for me to do. I refuse to beat down a wall for someone again. It takes a lot of energy. I did it for two people in the past and the most recent one was myself. That is how I learned.

It is not possible to give yourself to someone on an emotionally intimate level when you wont let them in. That is being emotionally unavailable. No one can break your wall that you have built to ensure your safety from the world. The blocks around your most intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions. When you let someone behind that wall  you are vulnerable. It will give them the ability to damage you to the core. So you have to trust that the person you let in loves you so much that it would break them to take advantage of your vulnerability. This person did not trust me and chose their wall.

Expectations are unrealized disappointments. I was continuing to allow myself to be disappointed in not receiving what I desired. I kept thinking that if I was enough, did enough, showed enough, opened myself enough, it would happen. That’s when I realized the real statement here. If I was enough, there wouldn’t be a wall. That wall isn’t my fault and it isn’t my job to get rid of it. Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is something I have learned only leads to pain from my own expectations.

Empty CupI am more. I am worth being loved. My needs are important. Intimacy is not being weak. Loving is OK. Wanting to be loved is OK. I am a good woman. I deserve. I am worth it. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong. I am a good person. I am worth knowing.

It doesn’t matter that its not accepted by someone else. That just means that I can stop disappointing myself now. I am giving myself permission to be loved and receive the desires of my heart. Most of all I am giving myself permission to ask for what I want. I am giving myself permission to meet my own needs.

#Iamworthit. 

Wonderful

Life Lessons


My journey here on earth is continually getting more interesting and complex. There are so many people out there handing out advice at every turn on any given subject. How do you really know what to pay attention to? I can’t answer that question for you. i just learned how to answer that question for myself.

I do quite a bit of soul searching on a regular basis. I am usually not quite sure if a situation is my fault, if I caused it, if I could have foreseen it or if I made it worse. I want to be sure I am being the best “me” that I can be. At times I have even made the comment of this being a quality of mine “to a fault”. Do I take it too far? Am I so wrapped up in making sure that I always adjust myself to everyone else and make sure that  i am learning a lesson, that I actually miss the bigger picture?

I have realized, and need to continually remind myself, that I am not always in the wrong, nor do I always need to adjust myself to fit something or someone else. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am wrong quite a bit. I do things that I shouldn’t, I say things that I shouldn’t, but where does that make me any different than anyone else? It doesn’t! What does set me apart is that I am willing to search myself, to change, to adjust and to grow.

There are always people out there that will ridicule me. They won’t understand me or my situation and they may take something for what it isn’t. That isn’t my fault nor can I change that. A good friend recently gave me a bit of advice “put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is that you are rejected but the best that can happen is that you are accepted. Either way, at the end of it all, you know you were true to yourself.”

I have realized that that small piece of advice was a seed. It has now grown roots and taken its spot in my soul with all the other seeds of its kind. Self Truth. I am being true to me. That in and of itself means that I am being the best “me” that I can. I am not perfect. I will wait too long to have that difficult conversation, I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I will overlook something of importance and I will make mistakes. All of that is being human. So, at the end of the day, I am satisfied that I am the best Maria that I can be.

I often wonder, how many other people out there, search their souls to be sure they are living rather than existing?

I’m That Girl – Who Talks to Herself!


Well, I have been terrible. First I want to apologize – I have been a little stuck in my own world and haven’t written anything in a very long time. Totally my fault and if you have come back to read and found nothing – SORRY! If you are reading this – THANK YOU! for not deserting me. So, I must have been up to an awful lot to not be writing huh? Not exactly……

I am definitely starting some new chapters in my life but I am also really enjoying the now. Ever heard “you can’t be comfortable with someone until you are comfortable in your own skin”? Well, I thought it was a sack of crap. No one really likes themselves entirely – right? I never did, there was always something wrong with how I looked, how I talked, what I said to that stranger….

Side Note and Funny Story: We moved to WV, had lived here a few months and I had met a new friend through my husband. She babysat in her home and so there were always a lot of kids. She had her own 3 and her husbands 3 and whomever she was babysitting. I was happy to know someone in this new town! I was in Wal-Mart a few weeks later and I waved super big and yelled across half the store at the checkout area “Hey! How are you?!” – Yeah it wasn’t anyone I knew. (epic fail!)

Back on track – So, I didn’t really believe anything about loving yourself so much you enjoyed being with yourself in the quiet and were so okay with that that you actually get a little upset when it was interrupted. Of course, I always loved my alone time to take a bath and relax, or go grocery shopping without someone hanging on my pants leg and another someone running around screaming throwing odd food in the cart. But, alone, completely and totally, alone – how do you do that?

Since my older two children are at their dad’s in New York and my youngest went with her dad for the weekend – I had my opportunity. An entire weekend with nothing planned. What to do? I started with a bottle of champagne and a pizza and a movie. I walked around in my skivvies (windows closed!), I watched TV at 2am and slept at 10am. I ignored my phone and I still did mom things like cleaning the fridge.

At the end of the weekend I was relaxed. I didn’t find myself having to call someone to go do something – I got this! I was finally so okay with being by myself that had it been rudely interrupted I probably would have slammed the door in someone’s face.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. At the end of the weekend I actually was ready to spend time with other people. I now know the value of being by yourself and how rewarding, comforting, and energizing it can be. No matter where I go in my life, I will continue to make sure that every now and then, I still have those weekends – everyone needs them.

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